29

29 years of age

29 years of giving and checking and soothing and loving and where am I in all of this

did I get cropped out

and what do I do now

where do I go

and who do I have

I have so much anger

Anger is not attractive in a woman

Don’t express it

Don’t

Don’t 

Don’t

Everyone is doing the best they can eli

You expect too much

You expect too much

And when you look at the picture clearly and from afar 

You see it

Oh you weren’t a tree at all

But a sign post

Waving in the wind

Pointing any which way

It gets blown

With no more substance than some wood 

Joe slapped together

To stop people from driving into their yard to ask for directions

Joe is made of substance

Substantial human

Physically

Big person

Big man

He can field a lot and divert a lot and give a lot and see a lot and hold a lot

He can hold you

But when he touches you

You shy away

You say no no

Can it be softer

Please please

Can it be less real

Less rough

Less calling attention to my weak spots my flaws and scars

Burning oneself from the inside out is hard

But once it starts you get numb anyway

People fall away

They weren’t ever really there anyway

But how can someone fill themselves up with you

You saw innocence you saw kindness you saw loyalty

And it was all wrong

You saw what you wanted to see

Hide it keep it quiet insulate don’t let people see

Anger isn’t attractive eli

Why can’t you just dance

Why can’t you just have a good time

Why do you have to be so crazy

Why do you have to make it so hard

Why do you have to be so negative

Because living in silence is the most painful thing I have endured

It’s what people don’t say that hurts most

What they can’t be bothered to say

What you imagine

What they don’t even think at all

Leaving you alone in a vacuum

I cannot tell you how much it hurts

But I am a crazy lady

She screamed at her ex boyfriend in the street

But did he tell you how he lied and withdrew and abandoned

And broke promises and used and used and used

Until he sucked you dry and you found yourself limping along

When it was all over

When it was gone

You were too much probably

Too intense

Too angry too hurt too giving

So he stays away

And I don’t know how to make people understand how my heart 

Works

But it works in thumps and starts and strong bass

That’s always there

Once we cross over there’s no going back

I love people who love courageously

And you didn’t

But my arrogance

I can help I can fix I can nurture I can take care I can I can I can ican

I can’t I can’t I can’t and now I’m left

Left for the birds

With their hollow spines who flash eyes and say

What happened to you

And yes it’s me at the end of the day it’s all me but don’t I get a little bit of empathy and understanding and non judgment haven’t we all been here before doesn’t anyone know what I’m talking about anybody anybody has someone failed you so miserably and how did your heart hurt did it fall out of your chest did it fall through the ground did you ever find it and did you love it again did you defend it

How stupid am I how stupid how stupid how stupid

How misguided and alone and lost

How I struggle and how I try to give love because we never get enough

And how alone am I and did I drive them away

Am I toxic am I unloveable

Maybe so

Maybe I’m not a nice person

Would that be so bad

At least it’d be honest

We all feel big feelings sometimes we all do and the best thing we can do for each other is hold space and reserve judgement but 

Maybe im eli and eli is me and eli is bad and eli is good and eli is sanitized and eli is abhorrent and eli is rough and eli is smooth and eli is waiting and eli is wanting and eli is winning and eli is losing. eli is a person I know. She is a person I know. She is a sister and a daughter and a partner and a lover and she is angry. And anger is abhorrent. Be a good little girl. Don’t you know what everyone’s saying don’t you care they all think you’re stupid they all think you’re crazy. Are you crazy eli. Tell me. What do you think. In your estimation on a scale of 1 to lorena bobbitt where do you fall a 5 oh a 5 interesting so like mary todd? what about Britney britney’s sanitized don’t you see it Britney post head shave have you read her instagrams now she can hardly string sentences together and posts only pink emojis and talks about sparkles and make up and where did it go Britney how much do you try to convince everyone around you that you’re okay that you’re normal are you can you be but at night do you squeeze your son a little too hard in your arms when he cries and it annoys you you squeeze his legs so hard but not so hard they’ll bruise because that would be too bad so you walk the line the tension cord between too much and not enough and don’t they know the not enough is caused by taming the too much? Can’t they see? Britney is vapid Britney is stupid Britney is empty because when she was full they tipped her over and poured her out on the floor and said look what you did you crazy stupid bitch. 

be a good little girl what are you thinking everyone was watching you, you know everyone watching because you are what they see on the tv you are who and what they are told to feast on and observe and devour little ladies small women big women women with breasts women without breasts women performing and walking and sinking and dropping until they disappear underneath the weight of all this watching and we wonder ten years later

whatever happened to…?

Young girls empty yourselves empty yourselves be like the wind blowing through the trees not the trunk or roots let that empty changeable sign post try to fill and if he attaches to you just let him ride along and eat all the food in your tummy. At least you’ll be skinny. And don’t let them tell you your heart is too strong because how loud it beats will not let them hear their own weak one and they will clutch yours on your sleeve and say STOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOP

What’s wrong with you crazy lady what’s wrong with you stop crying everyone will see

Stop drawing attention to yourself 

A history of violence

I push him I push him I push him I push him in the street and I scream and I yell and I can’t believe 

why can’t women fight why can’t I fight give me something to break give me someone to push back against hit me hit me hit me 

Watch me watch me watch me watch me but can you see me see me see me 

What do you do when the feelings are too big

And they threaten everyone

They threaten the room

You become the room

And you squeeze them inside

Until you aren’t anything anymore

You are a shadow of yourself

Because there’s no room for you

When the shelves of your ribs are stocked with 

Anger and loss and abandonment and hurt and devastation and resentment and lashing out at people who don’t deserve it

There’s no room for you and how straight your spine is and how beautiful you look in the setting sun on 83^rd st

There’s only room for gasping breath

And you fight a battle inside yourself

Let it out and lose everyone

Or keep it in and lose yourself

And these are four year old feelings. 

And you know that and yet

You can’t stop them

They don’t go away when you ignore

You try to wait it out

Wait it out

Wait it out

But waiting just makes everything on the shelves of your ribs

Go rancid

Putrify

Rot

So when you spill them out

They stink

And fill the air

And they are not just primitive

But primitive and decaying

Rotten

And rancid

And toxic

They threaten to eat you up inside

And they burn through your esophagus

And your lungs

And your small intestine

And it’s funny cuz you haven’t been able to eat in a week anyway

Because your stomach is so filled already

And now you know why

And there’s some satisfaction in the backing away

The look in their eyes

Their hands up

This is too much for me

She’s ugly and crying and wanting and needing in ways that threaten me

In ways that aren’t pretty to look at and be around

And everyone’s healing 

And whoa this kind of stuff isn’t compatible with that

And I get that and I understand

And darkness is best experienced alone

Because in the dark

You can’t see where to miss

When you thrash

So safest to do it by yourself

Thrash and thrash and thrash

And give me a soft padded room

And silence

And I’ll hear all the ways to save myself

But with all this talking

All this living and dying and lying and truth telling 

I just can’t hear

I can’t hear it

But I can hear it in the curve of your hip

In the look in your eye

In the breaking of the shell

In the places where you don’t miss me

In the places where someone else’s face fills the void

and that’s okay and that is good and I am happy for you

and happiness is something you give

not something you experience

and strength is expensive

few can afford it

Because eyes that reflect the light have been broken one too many times