stupid things.

how do i make it rise up through me
through my skin
through flesh
and past all the complicated bits
i nod and agree and yes and yes of course of course
we wouldn’t want that, no
that is smart and true and important
but how can i say the not smart thing
how can i tell you 
the wanting
and the dreaming
and the yearning
and i hate all of your exes
of course, pace and communication are key
yes, i hate all of them
no, i don’t believe in jealousy
yes, boundaries are healthy
no, i don’t want unnecessary heartbreak
that is well and good and neat and true
but it leaves out the very necessary
heartbreak
the mundane
the daily
the pang i feel when you
leave me
at 7am
for your relationship with the new york city parking authority
me curled up in bed
with the absence of you

we can’t escape it
a thousand tiny sorrows 
fill any day

and i’ve spent so many years
managing
my 
many
feelings 
but now
i want to be loud
i want to break through you
i want to crawl around inside of you
and see it all
and taste it
and i want you to hold me there
like a tourniquet
pressed against
the smallest deepest wound
opening like a pinprick
into a grand canyon
that runs through the center of you
not visible to those
who don’t know how to see

suddenly
when you take off your glasses 
at the end of the day
and look at me
really look at me
it is like looking at a pollock
through a thimble
able to witness it
only
one 
drip 
splatter at a time
your eyes tender and soft and small
now i know what makes your lenses fog up
questions pressing against the glass
can i be safe with you
if i take off my armor,
will you see me

life is too short for rushing into things
and wondering five years later
what did i do
but it is also too short
to bother with too much seriousness 
and too much restraint
enough already
enough with the smartness
and the neatness
let me feel the chaos in your heart
burn a path onto my skin
like your tea kettle
whistling
lavish me with your profound ordinariness
give me the stupid things
in your heart
let me be small and tender with you

release this tightness in my throat
this crumpled up-ness in my chest
release me from the wanting of you
with a small doorway
standing ajar
a small warm light 
on inside
telling me
to
hurry home